A heart-wrenching twist that involves guttural cries surfaces just hours before The Bachelorettes finale after Elly blindsides us all on Wednesday night and dumps the hot geologist.Quick show of hands: Is anyone still watching this show? I could probably just make up this recap without watching the episode and no one would even know. Maybe that’s what I’ve done. And perhaps that’s what I’ve been doing all along? Muahaha.
SAS Australia has ruined all reality TV for us. This week that trainer from The Biggest Loser literally almost died. And what’s going on in that rat nest Bachelorette mansion? We’re forced to watch some guy with cornrows accept a rose. The stakes need to rise. More needs to be at risk! If Osher doesn’t sacrifice himself at the finale ceremony then he’s just not taking this seriously.
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It’s the final night of the two-episode home visit bonanza that doesn’t really contain actual home visits because of travel restrictions. This means we have to get our regular dose of judgy mums over Zoom. And Frazer’s mum Lorraine is more than up to the challenge.
“It’s bizarre to see how young people are starting relationships these days via reality TV shows. This is very, very weird,” she eye-rolls.
Lorraine has a point. What happened to the days where a guy would pick you up in his classic convertible and take you on a date to the milk bar before seeing a double feature at the drive-in? And then he’d give you his jacket and ask you to go steady. And then you’d take nude selfies on disposable cameras and print them out at a Kodak kiosk before exchanging them. Ugh, we yearn for that old-fashioned romancing.
“I think it’s bizarre that there’s a television program where the idea is to meet the love of your life. It’s very unusual,” Lorraine continues to berate this esteemed show.
Look, Lorraine. The idea of this television program is not to pair people with the love of their life. It’s to make people drink excessively and then film them doing dumb stuff so we have something to tweet about on a week night.
“You’ve been on The Bachelor before,” Lorraine glares down the webcam at Elly. “So do you see these programs as a pathway to more opportunities on TV or are you really here looking for love?”
Elly doesn‘t play into the drama. She starts talking in up-beat country lingo and wins over Lorraine who immediately stops being judgy. Boo. Obviously we leave as soon as the criticism ends and head on over to Adrian’s joint where his older brother gives us a keen insight into the man Becky could end up with.
“He likes cougars,” he grunts.
He’s standing in front of a bunk bed and a pool table and we assume it’s his bedroom. Becky should dump Adrian and just shack up with him.
“It‘s 2020 – it’s amazing what you can find on the internet,” the brother adds and, good god, we don’t want to know what he’s been finding on the internet late at night while laying on that bunk bed.
“So I seen on social media you actually broke up with your boyfriend to come on the show. You’re not just jumping on the show to get famous?” he grills Becky.
And then, he disses her dog.
Becky may have dumped her ex to chase the bright lights and unlimited cheese offered by The Bachelorette, but at least she doesn’t sleep on a bunk bed in her mum’s garage.
Then Adrian’s younger brother Tristan swoops in and saves 2020.
“I’m catching good vibes,” he smiles.
Tristan, you’re a god damn angel.
Finally, producers give us what we want: Hot Adam shirtless on a beach.
Two things we know about Hot Adam: He has never been in love. And he has never introduced a girl to his family.
Doing this home visit is huge for him. But we don’t really know what happens because we spend the whole time just staring at him being so beautiful.
At the end, he stands with Elly in the driveway and looks into her eyes. He wants to say something but can’t.
“So … I … ah … I just … maybe …” he stutters.
Who cares. Words are for ugly people. They kiss and he should win.
At the rose ceremony, Becky’s already sorted – Adrian and Pete are her only guys left. Oh, and Adrian now comes with cornrows.
But Elly has three fellas left – Joe, Adam and Frazer. She needs to cut one.
Honestly, we’re not fussed on Frazer. Yes, we like his judgy mum and would love spending long nights getting drunk with her while criticising things but that’s not enough to build a marriage on.
Or apparently it is.
Joe and Frazer get the roses. And Hot Adam is gone. Beautiful people truly do have it harder in this cruel world.
Elly’s distraught. And so she should be. Adam is hot AND nice! He’s like a Hemsworth with a university degree! That’s like winning the lottery. You don’t just throw that away.
“Whoever ends up with you is such a lucky person,” she sobs.
Of course he’s completely lovely about it. And in the back of the Uber as it drives away, he goes and breaks our hearts.
“Elly’s the most beautiful and lovely person I’ve met. I’m always going to care about Elly. I liked Elly. She made me feel really special,” he says softly.
We can’t end this semi-final on Hot Adam’s heartbreak. That would be barbaric. So let’s end it on someone else’s heartbreak.
“A heart-wrenching twist no one will see coming,” Osher says as teaser footage of Thursday’s finale plays.
“I came into this to find love and I actually have found someone that I feel that way with,” Elly says in a voiceover while we watch her walking down the hallway of a house in a white dress and disappearing into a room.
When she comes out, she’s devastated. Guttural cries echo down the hallway as she runs out to the backyard clutching her face. We find Frazer and Joe sitting on the ends of their beds.
We bet Frazer’s judgy mum Lorraine will have a lot to say about this.
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